As I get older, I find myself forgetting pieces of my early childhood years. It’s funny how pictures can bring it all rushing back—the faces, the laughter, the friendships that once felt like the center of your world.  It reminded me of something powerful:  We may forget the moments, but we never forget how people made us feel.

That’s part of what drew me to re-read Vital Friends. (I’m already up to nine books this year!) It only took me a day, and it left me thinking deeply about the people in my life and the importance of friendship and how those people have shaped my life.

February 21st is always a special day to me. It was my best friend Jo’s birthday. She passed away in 2016, but her birthday never slips by without me thinking of her.  When I moved to Sabetha, Kansas from North Dakota, it was a big change. Even though I had family in Kansas and had lived there before, starting over as a fifth grader in a school where most kids had grown up together was overwhelming. But then there was Jo—this farm girl.  Confident.  Rooted.  Known.  And for reasons I will never know, she picked me to be her best friend. I don’t even remember how it started. I just know she chose me.

We did everything together. We played sports, went to prom, and planned our own senior trip—two 18-year-old girls on a road trip to North Dakota with no cell phones. I’m still not sure what our parents were thinking, but we had the time of our lives. I remember sitting in a mall in Rapid City, South Dakota when a tornado warning came over the loudspeaker.   “All patrons must take cover in the storm shelter immediately.” While others hurried in fear, the two Kansas girls just giggled in the corner—tornadoes were nothing new to us. I’m not sure the other shoppers appreciated our confidence, but we felt right at home.  Growing up, Jo would come curl her hair at my house before school. We’d climb hay bales, do farm chores (where I learned what hard work really meant), and spend hours just being together. Of course, we had our share of high school drama—boys, jealousy, hurt feelings, misunderstandings. But I truly don’t know how I would have survived being the “new kid” without her steady friendship.  Like so many friendships, life eventually led us in different directions. We both moved away and built new lives. I’d like to think that with social media and time, we might have reconnected in a deeper way, like I have with others from our past but we won’t get that opportunity.

Those first friendships shape us. They teach us loyalty, resilience, forgiveness, and love. 

As adults, friendships are often tied to work. And the truth is, we spend more time at work than almost anywhere else, so how important is it to build real connections there?  Some of my happiest professional years were the ones where I had strong work friendships. I was fortunate to find two of my closest friends from a workplace that I would otherwise describe as toxic.  But even after we left, those friendships remained. That doesn’t happen by accident. It takes work. It takes intention. It takes choosing people over and over again.  None of us feel like we have time for “one more thing,” but we also can’t afford not to make the time.

The book outlines eight types of Vital Friends and reminds us of a few powerful truths:

• Friendships strongly predict well-being. Having a best friend at work is closely tied to engagement and job satisfaction.

• Social investment pays off. Time spent nurturing relationships yields long-term returns.

• Diversity matters. Different personalities and perspectives strengthen us.

• Intentional relationships are powerful. They require effort.

One line that struck me deeply was this: being ignored is one of the most psychologically damaging states for a human being—even worse than being treated poorly at work. That resonated with me, even today.  We all want to be seen, and maybe that’s what Jo gave me all those years ago.  She saw the new kid.  And she chose her.

While friends are a vital part of our lives, we must also remember that we play vital roles in their lives too.  I miss Jo deeply. But I am so thankful for the love she showed me and the way she embraced the new girl. She taught me what it means to choose someone—and how powerful that choice can be.